Dear Alexandra and the Class of 2024

To be free to choose the life of your dreams - what an adventure! First, some words of advice for the world out there:

Beware of professors who try to tell you what to think, rather than how to think for yourself.

It is hard for good people to understand the minds of bad people, but evil, greed, cowardice, and malice do exist.  

It can take years to build a reputation, and only seconds to lose it.

Remember what you learned about God and the teachings of Jesus, because the world will try to make you forget and even deny.

Surround yourself with good people.

There is nothing authentic about being a follower of popularity.

We all change over time. Pursue endeavors you would not have thought of while remaining true to yourself.

Have expectations of others. When you are clear about these, some will rise to meet them, while others will fall away.

Call your mom and dad.

Identify your values, and write them down somewhere.

Take care of your body; the habits you form on your own will be either great assets or unfortunate liabilities.

Live in confidence and you will display confidence.

Keep your word, as it is one thing that you can control, and nothing can replace trust.

Do things that are difficult.

The world will tell you that up is down and black is white; being in the minority does not make you wrong. Seek and stand for truth.

Be able to see both sides of an issue, and be open to a third possibility.

Watch your back; the evil prey upon the weak and unsuspecting.

Believing it can be done is the first step to success.

Find your voice, and use it for something good.

Be mindful of habits and choices that become addictions, because addictions can run (and ruin) your life.

Work to be someone who lives for someone other than yourself.

Show up for other people, and not just for the good times.

Don’t ever look down on people; treat everyone with dignity.

Integrity is what you do when no one is looking.

Give people a reason to believe in you, to choose you, and to remember you.

Use your life to create, rather than to destroy.

Travel for perspective over a tan.

Much of the madness and perplexities of this world can be explained in referencing your Bible, reading a history book, traveling abroad, speaking to elders, and/or following the money.

Life does not allow you to plan everything, but just as a bird builds a nest, there are actions you can and should take today that will make the life you imagine possible.

America and the world need you. It’s your job to figure out why and how.

Get out and walk.

Don't pray for lighter loads - rather, stronger shoulders.

Mark's Guide to Unplanned Adventures in Travel

There are all sorts of ways and reasons to travel, and the road to becoming a world traveler may be different for everyone. As in cooking, it is important first to do it with family or friends, learn how to follow a recipe, and start with the basics. Your first foray into cooking might not be a Baked Alaska, nor should your first journey be a solo trek through the Alaskan wilderness.

That being said, once you are ready to travel the world and do it for some extended period of time, the unplanned adventure can be a worthwhile and important component in discovering the world. There have been great world explorers, ranging from Ferdinand Magellan to Anthony Bourdain, and it must be noted that preparation and planning are absolutely necessary - even if the lenses of time or television appear to make roaming the planet either ridiculously unattainable or an outing of thoughtless whimsy. (It should be noted that both the aforementioned succumbed to untimely demises while traveling.)

Sorry for getting a bit dark there, but you should know there are certainly dangers to world travel, and - just as in life - preparation and a sober outlook lead to some of the best roads. What I intend to show is that with a reasonable amount of experience and preparations, traveling at length with a relatively open itinerary can lead to adventures of a lifetime. You cannot plan everything - nor should you. I do not care for the word "wanderlust," because it implies simply a lust for wandering - aimlessly, perhaps. True adventures of any merit require a bit more.

Let a goal or interest guide - but not define - you. 

Is your passion art, food, history, architecture...? Is your goal to write a book or battle poverty? Use these interests to fuel your travel. Perhaps you are a lover of music, and you book flights to Vienna, Prague, and Berlin. Give yourself some added time in case you learn of a symphony in Zurich or a festival in Copenhagen. Stroll the hometown of Mozart or visit an exhibit dedicated to Strauss. However, leave yourself open to where these experiences take you. You may meet someone with a similar passion. It may not result in a lasting friendship, but it could take you to a locals' favorite late-night jazz session. I once went to Nijmegen, Holland, because it was the birthplace of Eddie Van Halen and had some of the best fried fish in my life. Something familiar can lead to something unexpected, but you have to be open to the possibilities.

Recognize your life is in God's hands; otherwise, you could just be wandering aimlessly.

Recognizing a higher power - or even accepting that death catches us all, so you might as well refuse to live in fear of it - is sublimely freeing and empowering. Walking confidently in a direction in which you do not know what you will find is in itself a genuine act of discovery. The added bonus of allowing God to be your tour guide is like meditation, only you end up somewhere different than where you started. Believing God is with you gives courage to journey where others (or you yourself) would never think to go.

Pay attention to cues and clues: personal suggestions, events, invitations.

When you open your mind and your schedule, this is where you stretch your traveling legs. Have you ever thought that in the past, had you chosen Option B over Option A, life would have been vastly (or at least recognizably) different? In world travel, there are entire alphabets of optional alternative realities every day. Think of a board game in which you have instructions from cards you pick or take steps from the roll of the dice. Yet there are always choices. Pop into a pub and chat with the bartender, take personal recommendations, watch the local news, consider an event you see on a flier in a bookstore - look for options as clues in the grand mystery of your travel adventure. 

I chose to volunteer in Poland in 2023, where I met another American named Ryan. He succumbed to my invitations to visit a local craft brewpub, and I joined him in attending a women's handball match. As it turned out we were both in Romania at the same time later in the trip and got together for a road trip. He later joined me volunteering in Turkey and invited me to meet him in Paris, as his friend had a hotel room there for a tennis tournament. Then we drove to Bordeaux and drank wine along the way in the Loire Valley. There was no itinerary for this ahead of time for me. And a lot of it was pretty awesome.    

Don't be afraid to backtrack; sometimes, going back helps you get to the next place.

Obviously, we all go back to places we love or with which we have familiarity, comfort, or affinity. In 2015-16, I went on a very long journey, and my intention was to completely circle the globe. My trip began in San Diego, continued west to Hawaii, ventured into various parts of southeast Asia, eventually made it to Africa and then Europe. The furthest accomplished in that westward trajectory was Crubyhill, Ireland, and my trip took me back east to the Philippines before heading east back to California. Backtracking east to Tacloban, Philippines allowed me to cement some friendships and go about learning how to lead large feedings in that country for years to come. Going back to the Philippines also led to so much more, and I am certain this is an ongoing expedition.

Talk to strangers.

Yes, the opposite of what your mother taught you. Now, I have a theory: there certainly are bad people in this world who are out there ready to take advantage of you (and worse.) The odds are that these people are going to talk to you first - or at least put themselves in the situation to meet you. Hence, keeping your wits about you, if you initiate the exchange, it is less likely that you are the target. Yes, putting your trust in strangers can be dangerous; I am not saying throw caution to the wind and engage in stupid risks. However, meeting people while traveling provides you with some of the best experiences and unexpected outcomes. Be safe, have an escape route, but do allow yourself the benefit of meeting some of the best humans you otherwise would have missed. World travel is unadorned without the splendor of making acquaintances; how dreary and incomplete to make the journey and miss the human story.

Ramadan dinner in Gaziantep, Turkey

Try some things you have never done before or never thought you would do.

Some people travel to get away, enjoy luxury, or relax. True world travelers may do that too, but we have an inquisitiveness that needs to be sated which often requires daring beyond our comfort zone. Eschewing the challenge to ever push boundaries ensures that there will never be true discovery.

Recognize momentum.

Momentum can be good or bad, so try to discern the difference. With experience comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes discernment. There is instinct, that is inborn in animals not exclusive of ourselves. Travel can take you in many directions if you allow it. Just as in life, even the bad decisions allow you to be a better human. Momentum in travel allows you to get from point A to point B - not exactly as in crossing a bridge, but as in captaining a sailboat. You have a direction; however, you must contend with the winds and the currents; along with the sails, the rudder, your own strength and intuition, the voyage takes you somewhere you could have never gotten on the bridge.

Be completely open to changing course. A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Similar to the aforesaid theory on backtracking, an adventure can take you to innumerable destinations, and returning does not necessarily equal regression, but changing course should be the actual opposite of wandering aimlessly. Changing course may be admitting failure or that you were wrong. It could simply be a conscious choice to make a decision that does not comport with previous decisions. Perhaps you were on this tour of classical music venues in Europe, yet you are not feeling fulfilled, and you ascertain in an instant that your energies are better suited volunteering to build a school in Nepal. Who is to say that change of course is wrong? And how would you ever know if you didn't seek that answer? Unplanned adventures require this kind of flexibility.

Soak in culture like a sponge.

No, there is nothing necessarily unplanned about taking in culture, but how you allow these experiences to change your mind, your heart, and even your identity is absolutely the key to next-level tourism. You don't even have to be a seasoned traveler! Just don't be stubborn and do let go of your preconceived determinations. You don't have to compromise your values; you just have to have the humility to be able to see life through a different lens. Furthermore, no one is asking that you adopt a new culture - only appreciate it and see where it takes you.

Santo Niño celebration in Malitbog, Philippines

Don't plan everything.

Planning is not bad, but sticking rigidly to plans seldom allows for what you could not have planned. One more comparison to life - surprise, you cannot plan everything. There are trips in which it greatly helps to have a solid itinerary. I went to Alaska, and my friend and tripmate Kim insisted that we book certain excursions months in advance. She was right! In fact, looking back, I believe I could have planned even better. Absolutely, preparation is key. All I am saying is to allow and embrace the unexpected. Heck, if the circumstances don't leave you stuck in the wilderness without a way back to civilization (this did not occur), I say seek the unexpected. Just maybe have a backup plan.

Go some places because of people.

If you are lucky, you have someone you can visit where you want to travel, so definitely take advantage of those opportunities, as friends can make some of the best tour guides (assuming you are invited). Suppose you don't know anyone in another state or country. Do you have any work friends from another country who enjoy sharing stories about that place? For a time, I worked with a few people from Colombia, and I was intrigued. It just so happened that I visited my world traveler uncle Sam in the hospital in California before deciding on my next trip abroad. While my mom was out of the room, I asked him about Colombia, and he spoke about it in glowing terms. The determination was made. Even if you don't know someone in a given place, having a link to someone in your life could be a great key to purpose in travel.

Rent a car, take a walk, use public transportation.

On my first trip to Hawaii at age 5, the only complete family vacation I remember, we had a limousine transport us from the airport to Waikiki. What a great memory it was, especially since that was way out of character for how my family gets places! In the decades since, I have often wondered about those for whom luxury vehicles are the norm while getting around while traveling. And what a blessing it has been to have to walk and find various forms of transportation to make world travel affordable, because there's nothing quite like packing into (or outside) the back of a jeepney in the Philippines, riding on the back of a stranger's motorcycle in Turkey, or even participating in the morning subway commute in Tokyo. Not only are you being economical, but sharing in the locals' everyday experience is in itself a great travel experience. Furthermore, walking and renting a car give you opportunities to explore to your heart's content and see things you never would in the back of a limo.

Learn some of the local language and history.

Travel can be somewhat self-centered. We love tasting the exotic food, posting the photos at famous locations, and reclaiming some sanity from an escape of your home life or work life. Yes, fulfill yourself in the ways you need to and celebrate your escape. Just consider that travel should not be only about what it can do for you. A little bit of preparation and humility can go a long way when you take the time to learn about local customs and simple phrases in the local language. 

Learn about some history while you are there, and you may get some priceless context. Driving through the Philippines, passing by the town of Balangiga, my friend Niño proclaimed, "hey Mark, that's where we killed a bunch of Americans!" That didn't make me feel the safest, but I learned a bit of US history I may not have otherwise. A couple of years later, I returned to Balangiga for a historic event in which our country returned some stolen church bells, because I had been educated on that history.

Return of the Balangiga Bells in 2018 (Samar, Philippines)

A Hospitality Pro's Christmas

Luckily, the 23rd was my longest day - at just under 12 hours. Christmas Eve was only nine hours. I help manage running two restaurants at a busy hotel that is especially popular from Thanksgiving through New Year's. It is a peculiar reality to work for a place that never closes, especially around the holidays, but if we are in the company of police, doctors, and flight crew, I cannot feel that oppressed.

Christmas Day I arrived to work before 2:00 pm, and I was suffering a mild cold, though I felt better than the night before - acquired or worsened by the various people who cough on me, the jumbo shot of tequila handed to me by Chris from Security (after work) two nights prior, or compounded fatigue while working outside in the Southern California winter without a jacket. 

As I walk into work, I see families in matching pajamas, couples holding hands... people from many countries on an expedition to experience some joy for the season. It is easy to see them all as rich people, given the prices of things here, but I know there are parents who saved up for some time to take their kids someplace special, and I always try to remember that. World travel makes that empathy more attainable, and by that same token, if someone proves he doesn't know how to act, they are more likely to hear about it.

My team was growing irritable serving throngs of merrimakers over several straight days. Some of them have second jobs, but they power on. They are very good at what they do, and it heartens me to see them creating joy for their guests on these special days away from loved ones. I wonder if they feel like me - someday we'll be like regular people and not have to work on Christmas... maybe. But then, it takes a special type of person to do what we do - and be good at it, and be genuine. 

Anyway, I'll settle for homemade tamales made by my host Roxana that were in my backpack all night and a raspberry sour by the tree, with my favorite Chistmas hymns I missed from being too tired to make mass... in the dark at 11:00 pm - when I can finally relax and enjoy Christmas.

The Life of Çay in Turkey

 

It took a brief introduction to the pleasant truth of "çay" (or "chai" or tea). As in other countries, tea drinking is not only customary, but fuel for life.

I have not been much of a tea drinker, although I do enjoy a cup from time to time, especially in the company of my mother. She even offers to provide coffee at her house, but I enjoy exploring her collection of various teas.

Volunteering in Turkey, and you may say the same about Nepal or elsewhere, drinking tea is as normal as a coffee break in the United States. However, it is less an opportunity to escape one's duties and more a communal ritual part of life. It would be quite common to be offered tea several times a day - by fellow workers, neighbors, partnering organizations, and even the displaced people living in tents whom we were there ostensibly to serve. If I didn't know better, I would have been a bit embarrassed by taking so many breaks to receive charity while we were meant to be working... and offering our own charity.

 

But international disaster response - as in life, you see - is a two-way street. We can also experience a unique cultural exchange. Part of the humanity of coming to help is also in receiving acts of kindness and showing gratitude. One of my first days volunteering in Turkey was bitterly cold, and we labored much of the morning outside. Within about a half hour on the job, Burhan, my Turkish workmate stopped, looked at me after only a brief hesitation and said,"çay?"

"Sure, why not?"

We sauntered over to the unofficial break area that had the wood-fired tea stove by the lockers. Burhan's several compatriots were there breaking as well, and they offered me bread, Nutella, olives, and cheese! Not a bad little tea break! They were simple things - items I would normally scan past on any given day at the grocery store - but it was an exquisite little treat, and I was promptly hooked on the favorite Turkish beverage... and all that came along with it.

Honoring Thy Father and Mother

The Decision to Care for a Parent with Terminal Illness

 It was a somber flight arriving in Los Angeles from DC, memorably the beginning of a Lakers' 2013-14 season with a win against the Clippers. There would not be a lot of winning to follow that year - for the Lakers or for my dad who had been diagnosed with cancer.

I have wanted to write about this and make it somehow worthwhile to any adult son or daughter thinking of making the caregiving of their elderly parent a full-time endeavor - something I wish were more a consideration in America, yet a solemn and arduous commitment with plenty of its own drawbacks and heartbreaks. Ten years has granted some perspective, but I'm not sure there has been much added clarity, except it was the right thing to do.

Can I Even Help?

First of all, erase the notion that you are stepping in to help your parent die. We all unavoidably die, and we usually do not need much help getting to that point. He probably accepted the end before I did, though he refused to show it. People do not need your help to die; they need you to help them live. There is nothing for you to achieve or attain, except perhaps a greater appreciation for the preciousness of life and the inevitability of death. Your job is to be there and help with the living part.

It will be hard. Most pursuits in life of any importance are, of course. But caring for a dying parent is really hard. Do not let that dissuade you, however; in trials of this magnitude, one discovers he can do more than he had predicted when he perseveres. Just remember to ask for help. You may be of the mindset that you chose this challenging time for yourself, so it is up to you to carry the load. Ask for help. People often will, they just don't know how to help or if they should intrude. I knew my friend Josh had cared for his mother and would jump in if I needed him. It turns out, when I was out making a delivery, my dad had a fall in his room. I called Josh, and he bolted there to help Dad back into bed. You should not have to do it alone.

It Won't be Picture-Perfect

It's not a movie. It is certainly a story, but you can forget about any grand storybook plots that involve skydiving and traveling the world, drinking Champagne at mountain chalets, reuniting and making peace with all prior loose ends, and arriving at some grand revelation and pretty ending. Some of that is possible, but it probably will not go as you envision. Be open to the possibilities, but running with the bulls in Pamplona in your eighties with the pains and limitations of terminal illness is usually something that could be left undone.

Yes to Life

That brings me to another point - which has its limitations, but try to give your parent what she wants. Maybe she wants to see Paris. Or maybe she just wants to spend time down the street at her favorite park. Maybe she wants a margarita every once in a while. Several times, my dad wanted to go out and make purchases that I thought were unnecessary, especially since the two of us were living on his modest pension - a wallet, a watch, pancakes at IHOP multiple times per week... You may often have to tell your parent "no," but remember these things don't mean a lot to you, but they are little things that feel like living to them. And by repeatedly telling a formerly independent person "no," you chip away at what makes life worth living. While denying a child has its merits (and seems like something that similarly must be done), denying your parent does not build character, but rather reinforces the lack of control she has over her life - what's left of it.

Take Care

They always tell you to "take care of yourself." which seems like a no-brainer. Heck, people say that all the time under normal circumstances. Caring for a dying parent full-time is a stressful event unlike any you have likely experienced. You will see and do things you never thought you should have to. It is tempting to neglect your own well-being as part of your sacrifice and even indulge yourself in activities that you know are bad for you, but perhaps you deserve a pass to deal with the stress. Your parent would never consent to you caring for her if she knew it was leading to your demise.

Quality of Life

Lastly, appreciate that dying is a natural part of life, and being there for your parent is a special, humane and profound way of both fulfilling your duty as a son or daughter and living your own journey. You may very well contribute to your parent's quality of life in the time when they need you the most. In return, you will gain perspective, wisdom, and a unique durability - perhaps even a better closeness to God and purpose. I cannot say for certain, but it may help you and your approach to the reality of death and possibilities of life. It takes you to the brink, and may haunt you for some time, but eventually you will be a better person for your experience, and your gift to your parent will have given comfort while he prepared himself for that final journey.

So Far... (2023)

So far, there are a few things I've learned that I should never forget:

Competing with lesbians is an endeavor in futility. Learn as much of the local language as you can when traveling abroad, especially how to say "thank you." If you don't push the boundaries, there will never be any discovery. Coffee, like life, is time-sensitive, and ought to be appreciated as such. Loving someone and letting them go are not necessarily congruous events. If you don't tell people who you are, what you want, and what you intend to do, you should not expect them to guess or deduce. Try the pork belly. Travel alone and travel with people; both are important. We do not pray to change God's mind, but we should welcome a change in ourselves. There is no equivalent substitute for being there. Do not expect help from anyone, but it can't hurt to ask. Someone who claims to be your friend may very well delight in attempting to sabotage your progress for reasons you may never comprehend. Drive through France and eat and drink and talk to people. Stand up to shake hands. Always accept a breath mint. Feed people. Read. Watch out for motorcycles.

The Children of Radymno

 

Radymno

It would have been a bitter cold, but we couldn't be bitter, really; we all chose to be there - Poland in January. We slogged through the icy muddy ground below us for another day of painting blue and white, walls and ceilings. No, it was hard to be bitter, because our work for the day was turning a dreary old simple building into a temporary home for women and children who had escaped war.

There were many children from toddlers to those approaching their teenage years. I didn't know if I should expect that they would be interested in what we were doing there; most days I would say no, not at all. I felt a bit invisible, which was mostly fine. There was the little girl with a mild injury to her face who enjoyed practicing her "hello" with us and feeling the muted glow of how a child feels when she got something right. Small girls carried smaller children, and the little boys mostly ran, so we had to ensure our paint containers were out of the pathway and that our drips were kept to a minimum.

One of my first days, I had to prepare the walls and fixtures for painting, and I found a mostly finished Disney princess puzzle proudly taped up on display. I wouldn't know if I was doing a kind gesture or taking too much care for something no one wanted, but I retaped it to the nearest window in the hope that some child would rediscover their masterpiece when our work was complete. A metaphor, perhaps - familiar innocent joy moving forward despite the missing pieces?

Aside from our organization, the only men in the building typically were local Polish construction workers. I was quite certain they did not speak English, but I could understand their regular reliance of the one Polish swear word I learned against my will upon passing through Krakow. My original judgment was that they might not be very nice men, so I kept my distance. One day as I painted the ceiling from atop a bucket, I was particularly observant of the creatures running below, and there were two boys running in and out of their apartment, each time slamming the door - not really in anger, but to cause a ruckus as unsupervised boys do. It was annoying, but I chose to simply accept it due to a number of reasons - not the least of which that I don't speak Ukrainian either. Annoying, nonetheless. However, when I saw the roughest of the Polish workers pause his work and approach the one boy, I was actually somewhat frightened for him. To my surprise, the man gently but firmly explained to the boy his trespass by showing him in a kind non-expletive-laced manner the calm and quiet way to enter and exit one's adobe. The boy took pause, slinked back inside admonished, and it hit me - there are no fathers here.

It is hard to pick a best day, because every day I just felt sympathy for these kids who had little more than they could carry away from war. They were provided for by the people who ran the shelter, but still far from ideal. Every lunch break, I would practice learning Tagalog with my phone app for five minutes outside. It was always chilly, but the fresh winter air was refreshing, and it was some of the few available alone times I could find as a volunteer. This one day there was a group of about five younger children playing outside with one another, likely most or all siblings. There was a nearby only partially deflated ball, so I challenged them to a game of soccer. It was a good break. Not bitter at all.

I hope they take comfort in their well-painted temporary home, and that they are reunited with their fathers sometime soon.